Taking a Step Back

Ever get the feeling that something just isn't going to be good? It is a very unnerving feeling. I hate this feeling. I'm fearful of what my future will be if I take the step. I have the unwavering feeling that it is a step backwards, though, instead of forwards.

At the moment, I am unemployed. It isn't because I want to be unemployed, or that I don't want to work, but if I do find a job, I want it to be something that helps me move forward. My interests are in history, research, study, ancient societies, long ago ancient battles, and writing. The direction that I am being pushed in is not towards those, but most likely away. I fear that taking the wrong job can seriously hurt my chances of fulfilling any dreams I once had or do currently have. I know that I won't get instant fulfillment of my ideal career, but I can't even seem to get a step in the right direction. The only thing that seems to be helping me in any regard towards my goals is my degree and not even because it is in the exact area, but because it gave me the experience and the opportunity to find something that I actually enjoy and that I believe I can do.

Pondering

I think motivation has always been an issue for me alongside my doubt and my ability to be inspired by almost anything I find interesting. In school, this wasn't an issue for me, as long as I like the class. Ancient Studies, Greek, Music, History; I always did well in those because I liked the subjects and wanted to do well. As well, in school there was always a clear cut ending to the work and the class. Do well, you get an A, do incrementally worse and you get an incrementally lower grade. Even the assignments were laid out and clearly defined what the teachers were looking for. And even though I had doubt in school, just looking in a book and checking myself helped erase that doubt. It was also fine to like multiple things when you are in school because you take classes on multiple subjects. College was pretty much a perfect fit for me.

Outside college is a different matter entirely. Nothing is clear cut in the job world. There are no clear definitions of what employers are looking for. There is not a hierarchy of grades that I can achieve which will help me get employed. I can't go out and do work in multiple areas that I find interesting. Now, I have to pick a specific area and stick with it. You can cross over and change disciplines, but that is a hard road full of chance and disappointment.