Pondering

I think motivation has always been an issue for me alongside my doubt and my ability to be inspired by almost anything I find interesting. In school, this wasn't an issue for me, as long as I like the class. Ancient Studies, Greek, Music, History; I always did well in those because I liked the subjects and wanted to do well. As well, in school there was always a clear cut ending to the work and the class. Do well, you get an A, do incrementally worse and you get an incrementally lower grade. Even the assignments were laid out and clearly defined what the teachers were looking for. And even though I had doubt in school, just looking in a book and checking myself helped erase that doubt. It was also fine to like multiple things when you are in school because you take classes on multiple subjects. College was pretty much a perfect fit for me.

Outside college is a different matter entirely. Nothing is clear cut in the job world. There are no clear definitions of what employers are looking for. There is not a hierarchy of grades that I can achieve which will help me get employed. I can't go out and do work in multiple areas that I find interesting. Now, I have to pick a specific area and stick with it. You can cross over and change disciplines, but that is a hard road full of chance and disappointment.



This is where the motivation factor gets me. How do I get motivated for stuff I don't even want to do? It is even worse when I get to see what I want to do, but I can't do it because I am either not good enough or I don't have enough experience or I don't know the right people.

I rarely make progress on any project, because I doubt myself way too much. I constantly second guess any work that I do or I look for a bunch of reasons why I will fail. I tend to search for what is wrong in myself and never what is right.

Being inspired by almost anything, that one sounds like a great problem to have, right? But, trust me, it isn't. I am easily persuaded. Well, not persuaded, but, more like I am very impressionable. I can look on TV and see a concert and suddenly want to write, play, or record music. The next day I can read a book and feel that I want to write for a living. Then I can watch something about military pilots on the History Channel and suddenly remember that I used to want to fly. I just end up going all over the place. The worst part is that none of these things that I feel like doing are viable sources of employment for me. The chances of failure in these areas are simply astronomical.