Taking a Step Back

Ever get the feeling that something just isn't going to be good? It is a very unnerving feeling. I hate this feeling. I'm fearful of what my future will be if I take the step. I have the unwavering feeling that it is a step backwards, though, instead of forwards.

At the moment, I am unemployed. It isn't because I want to be unemployed, or that I don't want to work, but if I do find a job, I want it to be something that helps me move forward. My interests are in history, research, study, ancient societies, long ago ancient battles, and writing. The direction that I am being pushed in is not towards those, but most likely away. I fear that taking the wrong job can seriously hurt my chances of fulfilling any dreams I once had or do currently have. I know that I won't get instant fulfillment of my ideal career, but I can't even seem to get a step in the right direction. The only thing that seems to be helping me in any regard towards my goals is my degree and not even because it is in the exact area, but because it gave me the experience and the opportunity to find something that I actually enjoy and that I believe I can do.



Here is an example. Senior year of college I took a 200-level history class on World War I with a Dr. Laurie. During that class we had an intensive research paper that was due near the end of the semester, and I mean 'intensive.' At least 15 pages or typed research was expected along with all document and evidence from the research. We had to query the British National Archives for documents, search through thousands of records for a mention of a single person whom we were only given a name and a service number. My final paper was 48 pages long, including the sources. And I loved that assignment. I was probably, for me, one of the funnest things I ever did in college that was related to class work.

And here is another example, from the semester before my senior year. I took a class on Maritime Archaeology and, like most upper level archaeology classes, we had a research paper due at the end of the year. Best of all, we got to chose our own topics. I decided to go all out and do something crazy that would take a lot of work. I attempted, using historical sources, and a whole lot of guess work, to establish the cost of a single Athenian trireme during the late Archaic period. I had enough fun with this paper that I was still refining it and make changes a year after the class. I even got an award from my Department for the paper. And I loved all the research, all the opportunities to have an idea and express it to people who might actually give a damn. I believed that I could do stuff like these two examples.

Unfortunately, belief and drive only get you so far though. Perhaps a car, a butt-load of money, and about +.3 on my GPA were all that was in the way of me now being in Graduate School and pursuing a master in History or Archaeology, maybe not. I have accepted the fact that neither of those paths are likely to happen now, and I am, in fact, fine if they don't happen. And I had originally been interested in recording, sound design, and even doing Foley work as well. Experience and networking were the issue there, but that was my own fault. My own fault for not continuing my previous instrument and continuing another. I have long ago already accepted that dream lost as well.

I feel that I have already given up two dreams in this life. Do I dare sacrifice another to placate the two who seem to want this. What if after this I have no more drive to go anywhere with my life or accomplish anything. I wouldn't be the first poor soul to get sucked into the corporate retail giant and come out hollow and pathetic.

Am I taking this step willingly? Do I have a choice? It seems that both questions get the same answer.